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If I hugged her, she might get sad.If I kissed her, she might get upset.I just wasn't smart enough to play the cause-effect game with her. So I stayed put.Beth didn't advance toward me either. She just turned the handle."Bye," she said, as she opened the door and left.I continued sitting there, picking up that Yeats book again and read about Crazy Jane on her day of judgment:'Love is allUnsatisfiedThat cannot take the wholeBody and soul';And that is what Jane said.'Take the sourIf you take meI can scoff and lourAnd scold for an hour.'"That's certainly the case, ' said he.I got out my notebook and wrote a few more lines, adding to that unfinished poem that Zoey interrupted a few days earlier, trying to free-write.Many nights spent in abjectDesire.Sitting in Sybil's bedroomIt smelled of poison ivy and lye"Make the bed before you go,"her voice cracked,then she broke into a soliloquy about nightingalesAs I thought with passion aboutbrushing my teethI didn't even know what was going on in. I still was so confused about what I was feeling. My husband was cheating on me with his secretary. I could not really complain as we have sex several times a week, and it still is inventive and wonderful, so nothing was being taken away from me. But, that he feels he needed someone else too.Though then I remember the “Master” comment Grace made when on her knees. Did Edward need to have such control over all women who were a part of his life? To show who totally was in charge?Then my mind wandered, and I really became angry for some reason. I began to ponder, ‘Does Edward spank Grace like he does me?’ Just the thought of that tipped the scales for me. No, I must be the only one he disciplined. He cannot do it with anyone else. Please, not that.’Even writing this now, I realize how foolish and unreasonable I am being, but that act between us, even more than sexual intercourse was something just between Edward and me. Not to be shared with anyone else.I fell to a crying fit.
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